You are constantly fighting yourself, struggling to be known to be understood. You are fiercely looking for that one chance that will set you free from the baggage you have been carrying for so long. Is it your best friend, your family, your colleague or your lover? Who is it? Who is remotely capable of casting such a wild darkness in your heart which you are incapable of suppressing. Juxtaposing your life and dreams has been a little harder than usual this time and you know you are soon to break it, shook it off your shoulder.
Every night I go to bed I plan to make a change in my life. I plan to sack brutally those out who left me wandering in my grievances. I will abandon those thoughts I have been chasing for a while but appear too hard to achieve. But then I wonder, what kept me going all this while? What was it? I heard them say life never gives you a second chance, so which chance I have been holding onto all this while? For what? For whom?
I have heard people cry on the streets, mourn for their lost belongings, I have seen birds fly far away; as far as one could go, as far as a place, my dreams never decided to head. I have seen, felt and chased my desires that weren’t mine and yet I relentlessly followed them in an unswerving wish that I am close, I am very close to it.
I have idealized freedom, the desire to find my own escapade. I have idealized streets, long roads, burgeoning sky, scorching sun and endless opportunities. I have quivered at strangers’ touch and remained reluctant at my own. I have come to believe that sonder is the essence of life and that it will happen regardless of me paying any heed to it. I have chased the glorifying sights, sights of illusions that carried me form one phase of my life to another. I have been caught, caught in turmoil, in remorse, in happiness, in clumsiness in emptiness, in sound, in silence, in memories and in greed. But then, what kept me going?
My adrenaline pushed me too far, far enough to make me consider what wrong I have done. But what wrong? Somehow listing to Zombie- Cranberries makes more sense than anything. I have abhorred myself all this while for not pursuing the wanderlust that I endured. The counterfeit assurance of people’s presence, acceptance and guidance has made a big difference in my life. A big massive destructive difference in what it is and what it could have been. What it was and what it will be?
The covert and suppressed feelings to fly, above and far away in the ecstasy of being free, careless, bold and wild is burning so fiercely that it has melted every fucking concern of my life. It has been constantly pushing me to take the plunge to dive into an ocean of never ending wildness. An ocean that is so deep and intense that there’s not a soul to know about my existence, only a few to know, only a few ogling wide lustrous eyes, filled with wrath, waiting to devour me. Only a few to know yet unable to express. Only a few.
My demos are dancing, dancing freely everywhere I see. They push me to make the plunge, they demand me to adhere to what they say, they ask me to burn inside the proposed plan and they want me to commit a crime. My angel, sitting mum in the corner, beaten up abruptly through lexis is crying tears of gold. She mourns in reluctance of her acceptance once that hailed so strongly and now so profoundly taken up by my demon.